I am Matzo, the Unleavened One - not to be confused with Deep Discount, the Slightly Cheaper One. I am highly qualified to assist you in laughing due to over 30 years of expertise in no field of specialty. After lifetimes of intense meditation, spiritual discipline, and eating brown rice, I have attained my ability to dispense esoteric, punch line wisdom.

Who is Matzo?

10 little known facts about the man in white

(1) What is your ethnicity?

“I am of no particular race or ethnicity. My accent changes many times in a conversation. Que pasa?”

(2) Where were you born?

“Earth.”

(3) What is your real name?

“Matzomius Shenaneganicus III”

(4) What is your favorite book?

“Where’s Waldo?” Aren’t we all looking for something that’s right in front of us.”

(5) Who has inspired you?

“Gandhi, Lenny, Buddha, Andy, and Popeye – I love spinach.”

(6) Any Hobbies?

“Collecting Mala beads, playing Video games, and chicanery”

(7) How did you get your start as a teacher?

“I got fired from the Waffle House and had to make a buck.”

(8) Do you have a message?

“Laugh more, enjoy life, and help support me in the lavish lifestyle I have grown accustomed to… And buy my book, “Matzo: The Rascals Guide to Enlightenment©"

(9) How do you fund your ashram and spiritual work?

“Fundraising, cooking the books, flattery, and creative visualization.”

(10) Any final words?

“…to hear more you have to pay…’cause Matzo has to eat today!” (:

Credentials: NONE. I am a self-taught guru - correspondence course. The Great Golden Guru Guild no longer tells me where they hold their monthly meetings, but I am an active member of the Marilyn Chambers Chamber of Commerce, www.marilynchambers.com. My writings have appeared in Natural Awakenings Magazine, Y.O.U. Magazine, fortune cookies and many bathroom stalls. In 2003, I was awarded the Nubile Peace Prize for my work in promoting Tantra to very uptight people. So, all in all I am not very credible, but I am funny!

A new study by the Matzo Institute for Metaphysical Insanity (MIMI) shows the following:

* Purchasing large amounts of crystals can shrink your bank account.

* 9 out of 10 Reiki practitioners spend more time reiking the leaves than other people.

* Reading too many self-help books can give you spiritual indigestion.

* SNAGS – Sensitive New Age Guys – are in touch with their feminine side.

* Hugging a Snag burns 100 calories.

* Kissing a Snag burns 200 calories.

* Spending 5 minutes with Matzo will evolve your funny bone by a thousand years…and may cause you to wet your pants!

* Forwarding emails fills up inboxes.

* Paying $10.00 for an evenings’ entertainment is a good deal.

* Gurus appreciate big tippers.

* When it’s raining out wear a poncho.

* No one…“…Let the dogs out!”

* 4 out of 5 dentists feel up their patients……….teeth.

* Studies by various institutes that perform studies contain 98% common knowledge.

* People who keep up with studies released by these various institutes need to get a hobby, or get off the Internet and out of the house at least twice a day.

* Warnings in small print are really saying watch your !*%, will ya!

* Independent thinking is harder than letting someone else think for you and tell you what’s what.

I try to work as little as possible for the highest fee I can get!

An ant
From here, all of this stuff looks gigantic!

Taoism
Stuff happens.

Confucianism
Confucius says, “Stuff happens."

Buddhism
If stuff happens, it isn’t really stuff.

Zen
What is the sound of stuff happening?

Orin
This stuff can serve your spiritual evolution into Light.

Eckart Tolle
Just observe stuff.

Tantra
All of this stuff is about love

Hinduism
This stuff happened before.

Scientology
Let’s clear this stuff.

New Life Expo
We are happy to charge you as much money as possible to learn more about this stuff.

Unitarianism
Let’s debate this stuff.

Consumerism
How much stuff can I get at the dollar store?

Existentialism
All of this stuff is unexplainable – you exist, you make choices.

Hermeticism
As the stuff is within, so the stuff is without.

Mayanism
In 2012 you will understand all of this stuff …and time will end. Have a nice day.

Affirmation
I AM…..this stuff.

Hippyism
This stuff is groovy, Man!

Communism
Let’s share this stuff.

Menschism
Let’s do good things with this stuff.

Islam
If stuff happens, it is the will of Allah.

Ascension
There is better stuff…in the 5th dimension.

Breatharianism
Who needs stuff when I can live on Prana alone?

Eckankar
The Mahanta really understands this stuff.

Feng Shui
When your stuff is in the right place the chi really flows!

Tarunism
This stuff can help you get ahead

Protestantism
Let stuff happen to someone else.

Sycophantism
I just love your stuff!

Infantilism
I don’t like this stuff! Whaaaaaa!

Louise Hay
You can heal your life…and stuff.

Reiki
Let’s get together and Reiki this stuff.

Catholicism
If stuff happens, you deserve it.

Whole Foods
Buy a $5.00 Oat Bran muffin and you feel better about stuff.

Drumming
There is a primal rhythm to all of this stuff.

Elan
How does this stuff serve me exactly as it is?

Bashar
How could this stuff serve me exactly as it is?

Judaism
Why does this stuff always happen to us?

Course in Miracles
All of this stuff is an illusion!

Agnosticism
What is this stuff?

Joseph Murphy
This stuff is all Divine.

Symbolism
What does this stuff mean????

Prism
Look at all the cool colors this stuff makes.

Atheism
I do not believe this stuff.

Syllogism
Major premise: This stuff can be interpreted in many ways.
Minor premise: Everyone sees stuff differently.
Conclusion: Therefore, your interpretation of stuff depends on how you see things

Nepotism
I only share this stuff with my family.

McCarthyism
Have you now or ever been a member of any group promoting this stuff?

Optimism
This stuff is great!

Pessimism
This stuff stinks!

Pacifism
Whatever this stuff is, let’s just get along with one another.

Millenarianism
For a thousand years we have talked about this stuff.

Ohmanism
This stuff is amazing! Oh, Man!

Occultism
The good stuff is invisible.

Quixoticism
Anything is possible with this stuff.

NLP
Watch you language…when you talk about Stuff!

Veganism
Is the stuff you are eating organic and free-range?

Hip Hop
Add a base rhythm to this stuff and put it out as a remix tape.

Asceticism
Enough with the stuff, already!

Unity
Let’s be practical about this stuff!

Christian Science
All of this stuff is just in your mind.

Matzoism
This stuff is funny!

Haha!Let’s laugh about this stuff.

Henny Youngman
Take my stuff, please!

Britney Spearism
I didn’t mean to turn you on…to stuff.

Yoga
Be one with stuff.

Abraham
What is your intention concerning this stuff?

Loch Ness Monster
Believing stuff is seeing stuff.

Feminism
We demand the same right to this stuff!!!

Freud
Let’s not get anal-retentive about this stuff.

Ayurveda
First determine the dosha of your stuff.

Massage
Let’s loosen this stuff up – your hamstrings are tight.

Eroticism
This stuff is turning me on!

Fetishism
Let’s get kinky with this stuff!

Rastafarianism
Ja rules the stuff!!!

Dr. Phil
Getting this stuff is like a hog trying to tap dance in a puddle of mud.

Mr. Spock
I fail to understand the human preoccupation of endlessly questioning the abstract possibilities of life with such emotion. This stuff is quite illogical.

Mensa
Of course we understand all of this stuff!

Dracula
I toss and turn all day in my coffin thinking about this stuff.

Primal Therapy
Stuff? AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Dolphins
If you want to talk about all of this stuff, that’s fine. Got any fish for me?

God
Stop complaining about all of this stuff. Just be happy! You know, from here, you all look like ants.

Matzo will appear - and disappear (after all checks have cleared) for the following gatherings. Email me if you want me to show up in your town - click the "Contact This Member" button next to my picture or email me at Matzo2012@yahoo.com. Women: Send a sexy picture for a quick email response. It does not have to be you - just any sexy picture. Men: Lavish praise and promises of moneymaking opportunities will get a quick email response. As long as there are no outstanding warrants, I will see if I can show up (:

Satsang with Matzo(c): Spiritual Master Mat Zo, the Unleavened One™, will answer all questions on spiritual matters – no math problems please. Meditate, listen, drool, share, and learn how to get much useful information from fortune cookies. Please note: Fortune cookies not included. Show up, Matzo needs your money, and honestly, you could use a laugh, couldn’t you? Cost: Love Donation - i.e. - free for you cheap people!

Not Another Spiritual Growth Class!!(c) Spiritual Master Mat Zo, the Unleavened One™, will show you how to: Walk on water, quote the Course in Miracles verbatim, be a spiritual smarty, get rich, find love, laugh a lot, avoid traffic jams, and find out that you are okay. Using hard-to-follow processes and confusing meditations, find out how to increase your ability to lighten up, relax, and enjoy your spiritual growth. You can live in ways that do not involve any painful yoga poses, deep breathing, or watching Oprah. Cost: Usually about $10 - $15.

Laughter Now: Smiling into Enlightenment(c): Presented by Matzo, the Unleavened One™ Karma getting you down? The spiritual path making you tense? Join comic spiritual teacher Matzo, the Unleavened One, for an evening of New Age comedy, fun, and esoteric absurdity. Watch your issues melt away in an ocean of laughter! Sorry, no inner-child/Spirit Guide discounts. Cost: This is the big show. Sure the production values do not match Las Vegas, but I do a good 90 minutes - $10 - $15.

)))No chakras were harmed in the creation of these events.(((
***Past fits of laughter are no guarantee of future hilarity.***
!!!Tickets from Matzo’s shows in a past-life not valid for current-life shows!!!
$$$…Matzo accepts tips, tithes, and ridiculous donations…from anyone!$$$

Defending Your Knife
A witty look at a man who arrives in the afterlife where if you cannot make a case for having eaten well during your life, you must return to earth and try again to eat only at five star restaurants. Look for a cameo appearance by Dom Deluise.

Little Butter
This film parallels the historical life of the enlightened master Buddha with a lesser known spiritual teacher, Butter. Beautiful cinematography and acting help us understand the challenges in Butter’s path to enlightenment and his meetings with various breads and muffins.

Gummi
Retelling of the life of Gandhi via a gummi bear with a strking resemblance to Gandhi. This small, modest piece of candy does what others before him could not - lead India to freedom and taste delicious in the process.

Latte Of Heaven
A new retelling of Ursula K. Le Guin’s science fiction masterpiece about a man who literally watches his “effective” dreams become instant realities every time he drinks a latte at Starbucks.

The Matzoix
A man discovers that the world he has been living in is a hoax - an elaborate computer program controlled by powerful machines. This film makes you question if you are sane and how to see beyond illusions through laughter. Personally, I am still confused - and those sequels did not help, either!

Groundbeef Day
A Teenager caught in a personal time warp on the worst day of his life has to deal with the issues of human existence that are common to everybody. Every day is a repeat of another day at school where ground beef of a questionable quality is served up in the cafeteria.

Cheeses of Nazareth
This television mini-series begins before the nativity and aging of a chunk of Cheddar Cheese, bringing to life all the majesty and sweeping drama of the life of Cheeses. A star-studded international cast adds great depth and humanity to the roles of the Deli counter people, Grilled cheese cook, and ordinary people Cheeses encountered.

WHAT THE BEEF DO WE KNOW?!
Part documentary, part story, and part elaborate visual effects, this film reveals the uncertain world of dating on the Internet. Fourteen top scientists and mystics introduce the Great Questions framed by both science and religion about dating. Through the course of the film, we realize that, in essence, relationships are a crap shoot, so just have fun and lower your standards.

“Matzo is Amazing!”
-- Matzo Disciple

“Funnier than Buddha!”
-- Anonymous

“Matzo is astounding!”
-- Dalai Lama

“He’s a lovely boy!”
-- Matzo’s Mom

“Oh Christ!”
-- God

“I have been on a Quest for the Perfect Green Drink and teacher. Higher mind has delivered Matzo!”
-- D. Sheldon

“Oman! Matzo is an alien. He gave me all my implants!"
-- D. Burger

“Kan Yu Believe this Guy!?”
-- S. Jones

"Eh, he's not so hot."--Swami Beyondananda

WWW.MATZO.BYREGION.NET
This website!
Why go anywhere else – everything is here!
What's not to like?
You could learn a lot from reading all of the above
....I know I did!
All Marriage proposals and notification of cash lump sum winnings can be sent to: Matzo2012@yahoo.com

WWW.GURUMATZO.COM